Missing Person

Sorry for troubling you, but have you seen this little girl?

Who is she?

She's the little girl who could never keep her crazy curls in a pony tail. By recess they were always down.

She's the little girl who would write stories about her adventures as a superhero, or a spy, or an explorer.

The little girl who would have story time with her toys, and set each one up with a friend so they would never be lonely when she was playing with someone else.

The little girl who believed in magic long after everyone else stopped.

She's me.

She's been gone for a while and I'd like to have her back.

When did she go missing?

I'm not sure. It could have been sixth grade, it could have been eighth. Maybe she never went missing and has just been hiding in my closet this whole time, busy having a tea party with the teddy bears.

If she did disappear it might have been because she wandered off into the forest in search of the world she made up in fifth grade. Or the dragon she had finally picked her up to save the earth. She might have been defeated by her evil robot clone.

I dearly hope it was one of the first two options.

But I doubt it was any of those. Chances are she vanished when the sketchbooks started collecting dust. When I got a Facebook and forgot the password to my Webkinz. When toys stopped looking like friends, and more like pillows in the shape of animals.

The limits of this 'grown up' life are getting to me. I need a more optimistic view. A younger view.

I need to find myself again.

I need to have the heart and mind of a five year old to help clean up this seventeen year old's head. It's got a lot of murky stuff and if the little girl I used to be came back, things would be a lot clearer in here.

What do I need to do?

Do I need to start coloring again? I have dusty crayons in the office.

No?

Okay, we can play dress up. I've still got some of those costumes, but I don't think they will fit.

No?

Do you want me top pull out the play dough? It might be kind of hard now, but we can buy more.

I'm sorry I abandoned you and grew up. Where did you go?

You never left?

So you signed me up for creative writing. You're the one that's got me drawing more. The one that cranked those book ideas out of me. The reason I did NaNoWriMo so many times, even though the adult knew I wouldn't succeed. You're the part of me that squeals every time I read a good book. The piece that throws the phone when I've been on it too long.

What do you want me to do? How can I get my crayons back?

Keep growing? But I'm trying to unlearn all of this stuff! I'm almost done with the growing up thing. I'm almost an adult, and I don't know if I'm going to like it very much. So I need you to stop me.

What do you mean growing up isn't a bad thing? It's okay to become older?

Can I still be an adult and think like a kid? Can I still be innocent without being ignorant? Can I learn more without forgetting what I've already known?

Can I become the new me without losing the old one?

It'll take some work. I'll have to keep society out of me and keep this heart young. I can't go missing again. But,

Yes.

I think I can.