I Refuse to be Robotic

I want to be happy.

Error. Request not found.

I want to feel real.

Error. Request not found.

I need to feel alive.

Error. Request not found.

Am I alive?

Error. Request not found.

Sleep. Eat. School. Work. Repeat.

Sleep. Eat. School. Work. Repeat.

Wait.

Sleep. Eat. School. Work. Repeat.

Please, stop.

Sleep. Eat. School. Work. Repeat.

My feelings are gone.

Sleep. Eat. School. Work. Repeat.

My creativity is draining.

Everything is blurring together.

Sleep. Eat. School. Work. Repeat.

I’ve got to do something before my world is colorless.

I am breathing. My pulse is pumping. My eyes are working. So are my ears, voice, legs, arms, etc. Trust me, I checked.

But am I alive?

I’m still surviving. But have I stopped living and I’ve just got some time before my body catches up?

No.

I refuse.

I refuse to believe everyone must follow these empty patterns.

I refuse to believe that anyone wants to.

I will not just be a robot with working functions but without a functioning soul. I’m going to find the things that keep me aware of the fact that I am here.

I’m going to dance in the rain and lay in the grass and blast music and have a dance party with myself.

I’m going to notice the bones in my hands, the roughness of tree bark, the things that light up someone’s eyes.

I’m going to spend less time staring at screens and more time with people. And more time with myself.

I’m going to stargaze on a perfect night.

Climb a tree and see how high I get before I begin to panic.

Run and then focus on my pounding heart.

Look at photo albums and get filled with bitter-sweet nostalgia.

I’m going to get lost in a book.

I’m going to get to know my family better.

I’m going to get up early and have a moment alone with the sunrise. 

And if my bed is too comfortable for that, I’m going to stay in the covers and let the soft warmth fill me.

I’m going to get my heart broken and cry away the pain.

I’m going to hang out with my friends and laugh until my ribs hurt.

I’m going to feel things in this heart in my chest and think things in this mush in my skull.

I’m going to sit in silence and wonder how crazy it is that I’m just a pinprick on a speck in a universe filled with specks and I’m still sitting here worrying about feeling alive with my mind that is more complex than cosmos.

Because that’s why we’re here. To be curious. To create. To make discoveries. To discover ourselves.

That’s what separates humans from robots.

Robots just try to stay alive.

Humans find the reasons why.