I Am Not Afraid

No one is afraid of anything. 

You're not afraid of dogs, or not getting into college, or drowning, or the dark. 

No one is scared of heights.

Absolutely no one is afraid of failure.

You're afraid of the bite mark the dog tore into your skin. The blood turning red when it hits the air, when it should be safe in your veins, running to and from your heart. The horror of the red teeth coming back for more.

You're afraid of the word "denied" on the letter back. Of the endless hours behind a fast food counter trying to make it to the end of the week. The empty boxes next to the dreams on your mental checklist.

You're afraid of your lungs burning and the darkness closing in. Of your body betraying you and forcing you to breathe in water and only making the pain so much worse. Of the people you love screaming just above the surface.

You're afraid of sitting in your bed in the middle of the night, completely blind to the potential monsters around you. That creak could be a murderer. That shadow could be a phantom. Your racing heartbeat could be your heart's grand finale.

You're afraid of no ground under your feet. Of your insides churning in free fall. Of the complete helplessness as you crash through nothing but air, the earth coming up fast to meet you.

You're afraid of the disappointment in their eyes. The potential you all thought you had ending up to be nothing. The pain of telling yourself over and over, "It's done. I can't do anymore. I. Can't. Fix. The. Broken. Past."

I am not afraid of anything. I'm terrified of what comes next. The aftermath. The aftershock. 

I am not afraid of dying.

I am afraid of ghosts.

To Feel Alive

It's why we go skydiving.

It's why we watch the rain patter onto the windowpane.

It's why we dream of Paris

and New York

and Everest.

It's why we watch horror movies and go to haunted houses.

It's why we create masterpieces and doodle on our homework.

It's why we climb trees.

And why we take risks and throw our hearts out there like a bowling ball into the pins.

One chance to get a strike.

Second chance to get a spare.

Praying it won't be a gutter ball.

It's the reason we dance.

It's the reason we kiss.

It's the reason we fear death.


Because we love to have new experiences but hate being pulled out of our comfort zones.

Because we want to run away and abandon everything and move to Switzerland but we love our home and the people we know too much to ever leave them.

Because we want to learn new things but are too busy watching TV.

Because we want to have adventures but are afraid of getting hurt.

Because we want to travel the universe but don't want to leave our beds.

Because we are mostly water but have to learn how to swim.


Because we are creatures of contradiction.

Because we want to feel alive.

Because we are alive.

I am alive.


And I know you are too.

School vs Sleep vs Life

For the average person, 8 hours of sleep is recommended. For teenagers, 10 hours are expected. To get this much sleep and to wake up at 6 to be able to get ready for school at 7:45 every teenager would have to go to sleep at 8 PM every night. But, the average teenager is still expected to do homework, extracurricular activities, and have a social life.

I'm tired.

I'm so, so tired.

I've got bags under my eyes most of the time, and am always longing for my bed.

I flop on the couch as soon as I get home from my three hour practice, try to give my mind and body a break for a couple hours, then do homework until I slug to bed later than I "should have".

I spend too much time on my phone and watching TV partially because I'm bad at time management and partially much I need to give myself a mental/emotional break.

I want to write a book and cultivate my art skills and have friends, but I'd have to give up either grades or sleep for that.

So much is expected of me, and I'm 17, with only 24 hours in a day and I'm expected to sleep for a good chunk of that time. Who invented this system?

I want to learn, but so much stuff is being fire hosed at me I'm being dulled so that I don't care about quality work anymore. Now it's get stuff, finish stuff, get more stuff, finish stuff, get more stuff... But don't forget the dances I want to go to, the books I want to read, the movies I want to see, the friends I want to visit, the places I want to go. Having a life has suddenly been labeled 'unimportant' and filed away from the sunlight. My brain is being pounded with numbers and facts and so much stuff I'm exhausted and I can't keep doing anymore stuff.

I'm sorry I'm not a machine that will keep going and going and going. I'm sorry that when I fall apart you just can't replace a part then I'll keep going again.

I need more time to sleep.

I need more time to live.

I need more time.

I've got enough time.

I 

just

need

less.


Please, give me less.

Dear Crush

Dear preschool sweetheart,

I still remember the day I asked you to kiss me. You did. Then I asked you again. You did. Then I asked you again. You did, but you told me to wait until after the movie. I did. The movie was the very hungry caterpillar. I was a very hungry caterpillar.

Hugs and Kisses (or just kisses),
Me


Dear second grade cutie,

I wrote you a anonymous love letter for valentine's day. I went to school early to slip it into your desk. I was so excited I started talking to some random girl on the playground and told her. She promised not to tell anyone. She told someone. Who told you. I was humiliated.

Awkward...
Me


Dear fifth grade new kid,

You had a cool name. And a nice face. I saw you cheating in the game at PE. I ignored it. I really stopped liking you when you saw the book I was reading one day and started making fun of me.

Still kind of angry,
Me


Dear seventh grade friend,

I'm not sure why I liked you. You were nice. You were fun. You were, a guy. My feelings just kind of dimmed for some reason. I'm glad they did before you randomly became a totally different person.

What the heck man?
Me


Dear eighth grade obsession,

I liked you a lot. I was really happy when we worked on our history project together and we had to hang out. Then you moved. We saw each other when we visited occasionally. We emailed a lot. Then you stopped one day. I haven't heard from you since.

Still confused and a little sad,
Me


Dear ninth grade "I kind of like you",

You gave me mixed signals. I got jealous of the girl who sat next to you in the class we shared. I found out you did have a small crush on me once. Now I'm even more confused about what happened.

Still your good friend,
Me


Dear ninth grade high school boy,

You were seventeen. I was fourteen. So were the rest of my friends who were obsessed with you that weekend. Except for one of us. She was fifteen and you choose her. That was an awkward couple of months.

Crib robber...
Me


Dear sophomore stake dance true love,

My friends pushed me into you during a slow song. We danced. You were cute. I got your number. We texted for a while. I found out you were using me to get with my friend the whole time.

Thanks for the confidence booster,
Me


Dear double whammies,

One of you was in ninth grade. The other was junior year. You were both cute, so I admired you from a far for a while. Until I actually met you and you turned out to be jerks.

Maybe I should like people based on their personality and not their face,
Me


Dear high school 'off and on',

Sometimes I have a crush on you. Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I really don't care. All the time I want this cycle to end. Either my heart needs to make a decision, or you need to stop leading me on.

Ugh,
Me