To The Future Someone in My Life

I'm not asking for much.

Just a kiss, no, not even that, just for you to hold my hand.

In public

To be willing to show everyone you think I'm worth holding onto, at least for now.

I'm not asking for much.

Just a nice conversation about nothing and everything beneath a streetlamp, one that makes me keep putting off heading home.

I'm not asking for much.

Only someone to tell my aunt about so she'll leave me alone when she inevitably asks about my love life at Thanksgiving.

I don't want flowers. They wilt.

I don't want promise rings. They rust.

No fancy gifts or tickets to Hawaii or fancy candlelit dinners or chocolates.

Wait wait wait.

Backup.

I'll take the chocolates.

I'm not expecting you to be without flaws, just for you to accept me and mine.

I'm not asking for you to walk straight out of a chick flick with a suit and a tie and a dozen roses. Just for you to be there when I watch a rom com, either with your arm around me or even just in my mind, helping me think about how glad I am that Meg Ryan isn't the only one with love in her life.

When I see all the other couples wandering around with sparkly eyes, who can't keep their hands off each other I clench my teeth.

Because they're gross,

And because I'm also jealous.

I mean, how dare they! Be happy and in a dumb relationship while I'm over here with no one to hug but my three-legged cat.

My friends have someone to love, or had someone to love and I have

No one.

I used to be one of those strong and independent women who don't need no man and I still am

But I'm tired.

I'm tired of being strong and I'm tired of being patient.

But I'm not asking for much.

Just for you to come into my life with a smile

And say hello.

Captive

I, Cloudwatcher, am in college now. And for a class I made a mosaic commenting on a modern moral issue. And I choose our technological captivity.

I used leaves and my old iPod.

Enjoy!

Solve for x

He was always good at math. He liked solving problems because it helped him feel like he could solve his own. 

And finding x was easier to understand than figuring out why she became his ex. 

Numbers were his friends and his friends were only numbers. 

Because to him, everything was numbers.

He spent his time adding heartaches because that seemed as easy as arithmetic.

2 failed classes (this term)

13 things on his to do list

1 lost job

0 current jobs

1 break up

3 lost friends

1 lost to moving

2 lost to different friends

1 divorce

Countless times holding back tears

1 time when he couldn't stop them

When he finally let all those tears free the negative integers from his heart, he remembered the most important thing about hard times. 

They are not infinite. 

And when he hit his minimum, life finally sloped upwards. And after going down for so long, shooting up again was exhilarating.

Now he multiplied by positives. 

7 new friends found through 1 new hobbie and 1 new job

14 things on his still long to do list, but 0 of them worried him anymore

He still had 0 girlfriends, but he learned to live without having 1

1 family still broken into 2, but now he could see the path to making himself 1 again

1 future that had so many possibilities

And on the day he was dropped off at 1 of the 3 colleges he got into because of 2 math scholarships, he looked up at a bright new world, full of infinities. 

And smiled. 

A Thousand Pictures

They say a picture is worth a thousand words

And even though a don't know exactly who "they" are, I do know one thing

They're wrong

Because it's the other way around

Just ask Google Images

Stardust

We're sucking on air like we have the lungs of heavy smokers

But its not what's on the inside that's keeping oxygen out

It's what is out here

The plastic resting on the skin around our eyes

With the tiny hole above our mouths

Only giving us half a centimeter or less for breathing just so it can see how much it can cover

I hate this mask

It's so tight the string keeps snapping, my face and eyes demanding sunlight

So I bask in vitamin D that rains from the sky for a few moments before remembering it's dragging radiation with it

Then I slap that cheap plastic mask back on like I was a fugitive moments away from being caught and dragged back to prison for a crime I can't remember committing

But if I do get caught, I'll believe their words and follow into those balls and chains anyway

Now, here's some step by step instructions on freedom

Step One

Remove that ball and chain from your ankle

Step Two

Use it to smash that stupid mask

Because happiness isn't having everything you've ever wanted

But using what you've got to find it

To find you

Because I know the phrase "find yourself" is cheesy

But, pizza sucks without cheese

Maybe you wear the mask because you're afraid that you aren't good enough in grades or looks or friends

But remember that it's no coincidence that the human brain cell looks almost identical to the layout of the universe

And remember, there are billions of those cells being protected by your skull with is being protected by your face which senses the world around you and sends it back to those little universes and it just goes in circles

and circles

and circles

And never forget that your self worth is not based on the shape of those sensors on your face

Or on the size of your house

Or how quickly you heard about that one band

Or whether you broke your arm by wrestling a bear or by tripping on your dog and then falling gracefully down the stairs

Your worth is based on stars

On the way you look at them

The time you've spent on stopping for them

And how they help you decide what you're going to do with the life you have

Because sometimes you have to stare into infinity to realize that you don't have it

In my journal I threw a tantrum about wanting to be raw

To be purely me

100% Allie

And Mr. Nelson put a sticker on it that said "this is gold"

I'm sorry Nelson, but I have to disagree

Because if my worth is based on stars and then you add up the stars in the universes in my brain cells times the hours I've spend staring at the night sky, divided by the time I've worn the mask it equals

Priceless

And the words that came out it ink really leaked from the galaxies behind my eyes through my fingertips onto the paper so it wasn't actually gold

It was stardust

Now, I understand that the mask is persistent

And that the stars hide half the time

But when you're looking for stars in the daytime

You're forgetting about the one only eight minutes away

Holding the planets together

And giving you all of this blue.

Live A Little

All you talk about are the movies you've seen

The books you've read

The fandoms you're part off

You spend all day on Netflix finding the popular TV shows

Fan fictions

Tumblr posts

Just so you can join the conversation

I love all that stuff too

But

Where our time goes

Our hearts go

You can tell me a million random facts about a million random books

But you can't tell me five things you've done last summer that you will remember

That you can tell your children you did and they'll listen with wide eyes and say,

"I want to live like that too."

Where are the memories going?



We joke about how we spent all weekend staring at a screen

But we know it hurts

But we also know that all our friends did it too

And we'd rather watch Sherlock for seven hours straight and get a headache

Than go do something we've always wanted to do and be behind on the TV show that we hardly care about

A reader lives a thousand lives

Unless they've forgotten to live their own

Then they never lived at all



Good lives are filled with books

Great lives are filled with memories

But

The greatest lives have both.

Five Months Left Guys

I remember on April fools day telling my Kindergarten teacher an elephant was going to step on the school, then being told, "April Fools is for recess."

I remember moving to Georgia and then having my parents called in to talk to the principal because I said "crap" (It's like a swear word there or something...).

I remember believing I had a pet dragon when I came back and everyone either pretending they believed in it too or taunting me to no end. 

I remember my tigers obsession, my pirate obsession, my Webkinz obsession...

I remember dancing all the way home on my last day of sixth grade shouting for joy.

I remember going to middle school and having teachers who taught me so much. Just not a lot about what I signed up for.

I remember flipping my bike and breaking my arm while riding it down my driveway, then explaining what happened twelve times a day.

I remember kind of thinking a guy was cute for about half a day, then the girl who liked him finding out and trying to ruin my life through Facebook.

I remember once in seventh grade wanting middle school to last forever because all the TV shows made it seem like the time of your life. 

And I remember wanting to get out of that baby prison so badly every single day of ninth grade.

I remember my first marching band tour. I was included in something. Then I got excited that I got included in something. Then I got too excited. Then I felt ignored the rest of the tour.

I remember my first time driving. I ran a stop sign. Then I got yelled at for running a stop sign.

I remember my first date. We washed the windshields of the cars outside the temple. We joked around about when the cops would show up. My date guessed 11:45 am. Guess when the cops kicked us out.

I remember watching fireworks with a group of friends. One of the guys sat too close for comfort while my crush was three people over.

I remember not being asked to Prom, but having just as much fun running around in the rain that night with friends who didn't get asked either.

I remember too much drama. Too much growing older and not enough growing up. I remember a lot of friendships made and a lot of friendships broken. I remember learning a lot about trigonometry and learning even more about myself. 

I remember many days I had waited my whole life for that are not much more than memories now.

Senior year is half way done. Another milestone is dead center in my windshield and about to flash by until all I have left is glances in the rear view mirror. 

Five months left until graduation.

Five months left to be a kid.

Five months left until high school is just a memory.